Cribs
by Georgiana1234
Summary: Yo yo yo MTV, come check out my banging crib, MC carlisle shows you round his estate


**Cribs**

"Yo yo yo MTV" Carlisle emerged from the front door of the Cullen house clad in baseball cap (backwards of course.), baggy trousers and loads of "bling and ting"

"Y'all have come to see my crib! Well you better come in." He sloached in, passing a bemused looking Emmett. "Whatup Homy!" Carlisle clapped Emmett on the back, attempting a spontaneous but highly complicated handshake.

"Carlisle, why is there a film crew in our house?" Emmett hissed. Carlisle ginned, showing a false gold tooth and completely ignoring his question.

"This is my home-boy Emmett! And this…" he gestured to the immense living room. "Is my living room. Check it out MTV." He walked over to the tv. "LCD TV, 66 inches, HD ready. Now that's what I'm talking about!" Emmett frowned.

"Do you even know what that means?" Carlisle scowled at him and lead the camera crew upstairs. To the bathroom.

"Check it out!" he said again. He opened the door to reveal Esme lounging happily in a bikini in the Jacuzzi. She smiled.

"Oh Hi Carlisle, do we have guests?"

"Whadup bitch!" Carlisle said and Esme smiled again, so innocent. Carlisle turned back to the camera crew. "Here you've got your marble top bathroom complete with Jacuzzi and this is my bitch. That's what I'm taking about!" At this point Rosalie poked her head round the door. "Oh yeah! This is my eldest son's hoe!"

"I beg your pardon?" Rosalie grimaced but perked up when she saw the camera crew, flicking her hair behind her shoulders and posing. Carlisle grabbed the camera which had drifted over to her, refocusing it on him.

"Ok…I've got TV everywhere in this house. I got them in the bedrooms, the living rooms but MTV check this out!" he beckoned them forward. "I got one in the toilet" The Camera crew peered into the toilet bowl and sure enough there was a little screen at the bottom playing what looked like CSI. "Cos, you gotta have one, you know what I'm saying?" Carlisle lead them out the bathroom down the corridor. "Now this is the master bedroom…this is where all the magic happens. Edward appeared at the end of the corridor, grimacing at this mental image. "Oh this is my youngest son!" Carlisle beckoned Edward forward but Edward remained rooted to the spot, a copy of Beethoven's sixth symphony clutched to his chest. "Ah well, as I was saying, this…is were the magic happens. He opened the door to reveal a lavish four poster bed. "Ooooo yeah! Check out my bed! Now come with me cos y'all will want to see this." He beckoned them to a door, pulling it open. "I love hats, I mean I looooove them and here is my collection." There could have been millions of hats lined up in rows. "You've got your Versace, von dutch, FCUK! You name it! So if y'all follow me I'll show you my son's room." He lead them up another flight of stairs into Edward's sanctuary. "Oooo y'all are gonna love this!" he pointed toward the wall of CDs. "He got a WALL of CDs! A wall of 'em. How cool is that MTV? And this is his sound system! Wowweee that is good."

"Now y'all have seen my house it's time for the main event! You guys, come check my cars." Carlisle lead them down to the garage. "This is my Porsche 911 turbo, yellow exterior, pure leather black interior." Alice was lovingly caressing her beloved car as Jasper looked on jealously. "Well it's really my daughters, you gotta give the bitchs some respect you know what I mean?"

At that moment Emmett emerged wearing an outfit identical to Carlisle's.

"Yo yo yo MTV!" he shouted. Carlisle dropped his arms, staring at him. "Check it out. This is my jeep. Pure rock man, that is a smooth ride and I gotta tell you…"

"Emmett!" Carlisle hissed. "This is my show! It is my house!" Emmett ignored him.

"…it's a smooth ride. I get my bitchs and hoes in there and there all like ooooooooeeeeee you know what I'm saying?" he laughed in a neanderthal like manner. "...anyway MTV check out…oh hey Bella." Bella had just got out of her truck and was hovering around the doorway. "Oh…I mean. Waddup Hoe!"

Bella grinned.

"What did you call her!" Bellowed Edward from the doorway.

"If anything I'm a bitch." Giggle Bella. "You know, female DOG and all." Edward went as pale as a ghost who is playing the part of Marie Annetoinette.

"Fine, she can be a hoe." He muttered.

"Anyway…" Emmett continued but Carlisle cut in, pushing in front of him.

"Anyway MTV you've seen my house, you've see my cars, you've see my bitches and hoes get out! Come out get out of my crib!"

"I think we pulled it off quite well." Said Esme later, putting her feet up on the coffee table as Carlisle slumped down next to her. She still wore her bikini. "I think I was quite a convincing hoe." She smiled, seeming to be satisfied.

"You were wonderful darling." Carlisle took her hand and kissed it.


End file.
